Life Lessons From My Time At Edwards - Chapter 1
When we reached Edwards Air Force Base we were coming off of a tour where most of life hit us - 1 Birth, 1 Ectopic Pregnancy, 1 Miscarriage, 1 Birth, and 1 death in the span of 3 years. I had this deep desire to change the
So I started down that path of where I knew I could help make changes. I was placed
At the six month mark I hosted a going away party for someone, where my then 2 year old daughter was physically hurt due to someones immature actions. It was then
We replaced their positions with those who were interested and just a week later, my life there at Edwards started to change drastically in a way I didn’t or ever foresee. As one of the women who joined the team started to collect women and have others join the organization so they could vote to have me removed. Why? Well, because “I wasn’t liked within the community or by other spouses”. It became such a sore and dramatic issue with this woman that she took it to the extreme and starting visiting multiple base agencies and leadership to see what all she could do to have me removed from my position. Upon finding out about it, I tried to talk to her and understand where she was coming from and after a bit of listening I realized that this woman was playing the role of “the voice” with supposed women who had issues with me. There were 1 & 2 I knew of that stemmed back from the original issue, but they weren’t portraying anything remotely close to the same version of the problem to her and many of the others she brought up I knew nothing about or had never met. I kept asking that we discuss this at the next general meeting, but my request wouldn’t suffice. She continued to drag my name through the mud for an additional 3 weeks to everyone and anyone who would listen. I, well, I didn't really know what to do to solve it or stop. During that mud sling time I realized that I needed to talk to someone to help me with all that I was contending with, not so, I would be victorious, but so that I would still be sane and know who exactly I still was or what my hearts intent was. There was something about hearing about how crappy of a person you are and how much you sucked that just did something to me mentally. I started to believe these things and I would constantly beat myself up about - I would tell myself things like I was unlikable, I was unreasonable, people hated me, I was unworthy of true friendships and unworthy of having
As the weeks went on, her, the board and myself were mediated by a Chaplin. There I sat listening to everything about how cruddy I was while continuing with my stance of “if they have problems with me, they should come talk to me, not to others and not behind my back because it didn't allow for solving of whatever the issue there was.” My thoughts were similar to what it says in Matthew 18:15-16 (If Your Brother Sins Against You “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.) After many stressful hours there was no budging on her part - she wanted me out, so she could “repair” what I supposedly damaged in the 1 month that I was in charge.
After sitting with the Chaplain and explaining my stance about wanting to make a change and about how if others had issues, then they should come to me not to someone else who doesn’t know the facts. He agreed but then he mentioned if it’s making me this unhappy and it’s not bearing fruit than I am wasting my time, especially since she was not going to give up on getting me out. It wouldn’t be good for me, nor would it be good for my journey with God.
So I stepped down and tried to maintain friendships that I had but after a while it became a battle with being singled out and rumored about making many feel as if there was a side to choose for whatever friend I made. After experiencing physical threats and after threats being made towards my safety in my own home, I retreated into my home and eventually cut ties with everyone in the community, my motto was "drive in, drive out, and go to a grocery store at least 30-40 minutes away". For the next 5 months the proper authorities took reports and eventually many people got involved in helping stop the bullying and threats. It was a hard season of my life - I felt unapproved of and like everything that I stood for meant nothing to anyone. I started at a church in “town” and I started driving off base every night to find community, whether it be at a coffee shop or at the playground at the mall, I was desperate for it and desperate to have a friend who hadn't been touched by the wrath of those women.
Although, I was desperate for community and community with other women I could no longer trust anyone or their intentions, nor did I feel real hot about being me. Unworthy, unlikable, unvalued, and unlovable was constantly on repeat on the microphone in my head to the point I found myself weeping in a counseling office of a Major. There she sat attempting to rebuild my heart, my self esteem and how I looked at myself
After this experience I've learned quite a few things such as waiting on the Lord, how to stop myself from feeding myself negative thoughts and how to run like a marathon runner and not in the sense that I like running but in the sense of once I start to feel any type of conflict I shut down and run. It is the least attractive thing about who I am and it's something I struggle with especially in seasons of new. I am always hyper aware of my actions and my words almost to a fault mainly because I don't want to go through other situations like above because it really hurt when I went through it. However, with that I am going to say this I would go through it again if it was for the truth and for change. Some have joked that I should stay away from having community with spouses or being apart of organizations and although that is the way to live life