During Goose being gone, I worked, went to school, volunteered online & in the community and raised our little girls. With me being able to stay in California it gave me time to write a better ending than I ever thought. As I navigated my relationship with God during loss I came back to this desire to have authentic community right where I was it. Although I had made good friends through our community group after my loss, I just felt that God wanted me to seek a deeper community, I felt there were a lot of clicks and everyone knowing everyone and I didn’t really see a way of breaking through that feeling of always being the new girl.
I really started to feel this heavy weight to find deeper community in March of 2014 - choosing to even bounce around the idea of attending a new church was something that I battled with because I really felt that I was at a good church even though it didn’t meet all of my needs or wants. Then one as I was checking Facebook at work during one of my social management times a Facebook Ad popped up saying “Desperate need for more God” - there wasn’t even a second that passed before I found myself saying yes. So I screenshot'd the ad and went home and looked it up. I was surprised to see that this church had the sermons on YouTube because that was actually one of my wants as I wanted Goose to be able to follow along, then I had this second thought, that was more of a wait back up the soul train, let's watch a few before I even mention moving churches. So I watched a few, but didn’t move I continued going to our church and our community group and in one of our all women seasons I even discussed this desire to have deeper community. One of my statements, then was “I feel that this is just one large click, everyone knows everyone, but doesn’t stop to meet anyone new” then in May after months of watching this other church online and making excuses that Saturdays would be too hard to work with I went. As soon as I walked in, got settled and started their worship time there was this peace in my heart, the music was so saturated with the holy spirit, I was moved in ways I hadn’t been moved by worship in a long time. By the end of the sermon I had this conviction of how I was living my life that sparked me to make changes with how my life around God looked - it turned from my life around God to God being my life. I remember the first time trying to sneak out unnoticed, it didn’t happen in fact, I bumped right into the pastor on his way back up to dismiss the congregation, I felt like it was God saying here you go you’ve been seen, you’ve done the first step of trusting where I am calling you and here is who will teach you even more about me. This move to this new church is what changed the outcome of California for me, it made me never want to leave. A bit crazy huh?
Well, this small church, a passionate Pastor, caring Elders and women who surround you in the thick of it can make you want to stay forever. The teachings, the support, the open dialogs, the flat candid conversation, the flat out belief in you and what your ministry really is gave me this sense of “this is it” they want to know me and I want to know them. Living life with those friends in that season made me realize that this is authentic this is what God wants us to really live like. I remember specific moments that are forever etched in my brain that I just felt like I had sisters in Christ, praying for me, praying over the baby that my heart desires, just holding my hand an laughing me out of a sobbing state over the hurt that my heart has carried over my 3 unborn babies. They made sure that they went out of their way to find ways for me to get a break or to make me accept their offers so that I could be a part of women’s ministry and the church in general. This by far has been the hardest chapter to write because leaving great teaching, good people and a community that you love is HARD.
What I’ve learned with all of this and all of these lessons in all three of these chapters is that every single person who is in your life whether it be by chance or by choice or situation or place in your season is for a reason. For me, I learned that people are in my life, not so that I can get something out of them physically but more so emotionally. I want to gain the wisdom, the everyday tips, the lessons of life, wifehood & motherhood. I want to live in authenticity that one day will speak to someone as they have spoken to me. My heart yearned for it, my brain almost feared, but God redeemed it and to be honest, he is the only one that could after all of the hurt of the first chapter. I am forever changed and forever left with a freedom in trusting and knowing God direction for my life.