In the midst of things [volume 1]

So Monday Morning Mind dumps are changin' to in the midst of things, it won't always be on Monday's, but it will what's going on in my life...a small recap, maybe something I am sorting through, or some days it may just contain a photo - we shall see. So, lets get at it. 

  • I am currently 10 weeks and some days pregnant. 
  • To say the above is weird, scary, a blessing, but more so something I can only thank God for. 
  • I know I never announced it on the blog, but hey, go with the flow. 
  • I never realized that being pregnant again would bring up so many lingering emotions from Ellie's birth. 
  • Ellie's birth was a beautiful blessing, that was overshadowed by a situation we never thought we could or would be faced with. 
  • Death/suicide whatever you want to call it (I often have a hard time calling it the later), it's the ending of someone's life that I carried a lot of guilt for happening. 
  • The anger, the sadness, the flat out injustice I felt then can still rear its ugly head. 
  • It's exactly like what the counselor said it would be "a memory/house guest that finds a nice comfy spot in your brain and gets up ever so often to walk around." 
  • I can easily go back to that memory of standing at her funeral holding my brand new baby. 
  • It's something I wish I never went through, but has made me a better caring person. 
  • It's also something that I continually surrender in prayer when I want to try and blame myself. 
  • I have asked J to try and make sure we are the only ones in our room when we deliver and after.
  • My concern is having the overwhelming emotions I had after Ellie's birth and the death of our roommate.
  • So I am being cautious as I navigate everything that's swirling around my brain. 
  • With everything swirling, we still haven't picked any baby items up. 
  • But each week we go in to see the different changes it makes me more hopeful that this one will come home with us. 
  • It's funny to know that we literally went from seeing nothing in there to seeing today a baby having hiccups and doing the Micahel Jackson dance. 
  • We have no clue what this one will be, we've (my friends and I) prayed for a specific gender - and well, we don't have any other names picked so if it comes out the opposite it might be nameless for a few days. 
  • Oh, before I forget, we are considering moving to a larger home...we aren't exactly sold on the idea so who knows we might stay in our current home. I know if we still lived in California we definitely would just stay because we loved our large grass area and trees, but this home...well it has desert landscaping with no trees, enough said right? lol

Well, that's all I have for now, tune in next time to see what's going on in the midst of things. 

Jusika Martinez

Tucson, Arizona, USA