This last month has been finicky, some days were smooth and other days I felt trapped in the memories of what I was walking through last year, which was pregnant, happy, and looking forward to what the upcoming months would bring....a baby. As naive as it sounds I would have never thought that God would allow me to lose again, especially after already loosing two.
As I sat there that night in the ER with Jeremy I looked at how far we'd come since June. June marked a new chapter for us, as we had fought our way back into both of us wanting to keep our marriage. See after years at 12 to 14 hour shifts 6 to 7 days a week we had started to finally settle into our new California location and routine, but what we didn't expect was that through the odd shift hours and many heated arguments over what we'd been through the last three years we were ready to give up. We were both at max capacity and those arguments and unhealed issues had started to erode at our marriage. We didn't know how to heal alone or heal together or effectively communicate after all we had been thorugh the last few years. But in June we had decided to make it work, not perfectly, but as best we could, and not by verbally saying it, but by showing up for one another when the other needed it. When I got pregnant in August we both were in shock. We were grateful and excited, but in shock. I remember driving to dinner the night I got a positive home pregnancy test and Jeremy saying "it's funny how God has a way of working things". We were excited, nervous and happy with how things were going for us, but we had no clue what would hit us in the following weeks.
A few Sunday's later as we drove to the ER I remember saying "I wouldn't change the two previous losses that I've had because God had changed me through them, but I know I cannot handle another ectopic because it just breaks my heart in a way that is un-repairable". After a few moments of conversation in the car I sat there quietly wondering how Jeremy would take another loss and how he would handle it with God. What I didn't know is that he already knew I was loosing because he had walked this path before with me, he knew the signs and he knew what was coming. As I stood in the hallway of the ER room listening to the Dr say I had another ectopic, my heart broke. An even in the moments later as I lay there in that hospital bed listening to the chaos around me I didn't want to believe it and all I wanted was facetime with God because I was heartbroken to be facing another loss. Jeremy knew by the lack of words that I wasn't okay with this, but instead of trying to fix me, tell some joke or say it would be okay, he let me just lay there, cry and work things out when I was ready to speak about it.
As they took me back for surgery, I remember one of the anesthesiologist being apologetic to me and all I wanted to just say was "No need you're not the one who keeps loosing babies", but I refrained because I wasn't going to allow myself to be angry at myself or God again. After coming out surgery, and hearing that I didn't loose the other tube I still couldn't believe that I had just gone through this again and as they wheeled me out and got me situated in the car I just slumped in the seat and put on music as my heart was wagering with my mind to frantically come up with a logical reason at 6 in the morning as we drove home. The days after the loss of Samson are a blur, I remember sleeping a lot, praying a lot and wanting to hide within my work. After I regained my bearing about four days after I remember just wanting to write, wanting to not feel alone and wanting to simply be with God through this grief that he had brought me to. A few weeks later, after feeling overwhelmed with what God had brought me to and how he could allow this for a third time I sought the help of a christian counselor at our church, and there we walked through all of the issues that this pregnancy loss brought up for me, it helped me to truly heal and not turn my back on God.
Just about six weeks later Jeremy left on a plane overseas, we didn't know how we could cope or heal with him being that far away, but God's work in the middle of it is what made the difference. Each time we've had a loss we've handled it in different ways and we are exactly the polar opposite in our coping mechanisms. There were days this last year that by just seeing my face on Facetime he could tell where I was at and that a conversation or prayer was needed. An through early morning & late night talks we've slowly healed together from the loss as a couple. Healing doesn't mean we ignore the loss it means we can talk about things without the sting of it...don't get me wrong, there are days that the sting is still there, but I take those moments as completely feeling the emotions of loss and allowing myself to say "God help me in this, help me heal my pain, help me know how to rejoice during this time. Lord, just be with me". Those moments have allowed me to remember the brokenness that I felt night that I found out I was loosing and it allows me to continually trust & hope in the The Lords plan for my life.
The loss of Samson was a deep heartbreak and a game changer in my life. My heart is open for God to use me through this pain and however he sees and wants, as before it wasn't. Most who've started following this site a year ago don't know that in July/early August I had removed every single ounce of pregnancy loss from my blog, I was "over it" and I was tired of hearing family saying "you're just dwelling on it when you talk about your losses". I was ready to move on. The thing is though, through the loss of Samson, God has changed my heart through this loss to where I want to serve women in a different capacity than I ever have before. I now have a heart for the brokenhearted and those going through those dark times in their life and I have a heart to see them heal with God's help, to pray over them and let them know they aren't alone...their family and their community might not understand where they are at that moment and they might even feel awkward around them, but honey, I do understand and I am here to tell ya God is still here and he still loves you through this mess in life and there is hope to be had and there is rejoicing to do in this mess.
I miss what I feel would have been our son (prior to each child's first ultrasound we've chosen a name and their name usually stands out as "the one" each time this has been how we choose our children's names), but I know he's in excellent hands and I know that through this mess of his loss God has made me a better woman than I was before we had to say goodbye.
Samson, you are loved, you are missed and you my son have brought on one of the biggest lessons in life I've had to learn, but I am so ever grateful for you that experience we share share.