This is Loss - 4 Years Later

You're in the crosshairs - unsure if that pain will ever go away. I am here to say it's weird, it's like that awkward feeling before you drop from the top of a roller coaster to the bottom. You know the one where it will be fun, but you're scared poopless - except this is the exact opposite and "fun" really isn't the right word.  

4 years ago I was pregnant.
4 years and some change ago the baby that I was carrying had to die. 
4 years ago I was placed into a situation where there was no "good" outcome as a Momma. 

Some Doctors say that it's a fluke, but the truth is I will never know the reason why I had a second ectopic pregnancy. But I want to say it was because deep, hard, soul wrenching growth was needed to my heart, soul, and faith - I won't know if that's the "real" reason...but I like that one because it reminds me that the loss that we experienced that night was not for nothing. 

It's been 4 years and I've gone on to have one last baby - if you're wondering why I said last here's the keynote version: Due to this loss the shape of my uterus was "altered" and due to the structural change it required me to be monitored weekly and at the end twice a week. And let me not forget to mention that I had to deliver at 35 weeks out of concern for my uterus rupturing. We made it - life was good and I was at church and my uterus decided to defect. I had a mass blood hemorrhage over 24 hours that required 2 emergency surgeries, 9 blood transfusions, and a 5-day hospital stay. 

So life has "moved on", but 4 years later as Facebook reminded me - 4 years ago I was sitting in a Jethawks baseball stadium pregnant with this sweet baby that is no longer here. I can easily be brought to tears because this baby was healthy, but my body placed in the wrong spot so it had to die. And unlike what many believe happens after a loss - I haven't forgotten - I look at each of my sweet girls and know what lies between those sweet souls I see the ones who aren't here. And every "heaven" day is marked just like a birthday in my calendar because this was a part of my history - this was a part of our family history. It wasn't just a pregnancy, it was a set of dreams, hopes, plans and most of all it was a life we expected to enjoy. 

To answer you clearly - it doesn't get better, you just learn how to cope with the loss of your baby that you were carrying. There will be moments (even 4 years later) that you see photos and you're taken right back to that night that you lost and then there will be days in the future where you look into your children's faces and just find sweetest joy that they are here with you.