This post comes after two weeks of multiple people's constant two or possibly five cent opinion, so please bare with me as I sort all of this out in my mind.
When it comes to life I am very logical, very ethical and very much a rule abiding citizen (for the most part, let's just not discuss my driving record because that might give you the wrong impression ;)). But when it comes to pregnancy and having babies this is a gray area, in which feels so black and white when talking to people... especially family and people who've not had children.
Samson (my second Ectopic Pregnancy) was in a very tricky spot, he was found in what was left of the cusp of the left tube, literally a very small area of what was left from my first Ectopic Pregnancy. Which means he came down perfectly in the right tube and for whatever reason traveled back up, this traveling route has truly only been witnessed in women who've had IVF... so for someone who has never had IVF, this is rare. When my Doctor went into surgery to remove him, it ruptured meaning the pressure was at max and it couldn't handle anymore. If my Doctor had known that it was in that location he would have made an incision from hip bone to hip bone, but he didn't so when he went in there to find him there he was shocked and did the best he could to make the needed cuts in my uterus and stitch as well as he could, he references this stitching as figure eight and cross stitching. With what happened during this surgery, it changed the structure of my uterus, which is why we've been asked to wait 365 days, my Doctor wants to give my uterus the longest healing time as he can. With the structural changes in the uterus, it puts me at a 25% chance of uterine rupture if we choose to try further and since I now have a history of Ectopic Pregnancy I have a 25% chance of having another, this has all been said by my Doctor and I've listened and I've held the most delicate faith that God will cover me & he will redeem me in this area. I've sat in my Doctors office for hours on end and talked about the likelihood of something like that happening and I've logically thought about this over and over and I keep coming back to what my doctor has told me which "if it is monitored closely and have the right doctor you will be fine having another."
Fast forward to day 327 of 365 and I am feeling defeated by everyone's two and five cent opinion's. I started feeling this way when we started the medical clearance paperwork, hearing that you'll be denied to a place where you want to go because of needing specific medical care is very self alarming. It has made me very self conscious of what we want to do, which is have another baby. Obviously, having to wait 365 days to even attempt to try again has left a lot of time for prayer and one sided conversations with God where I've laid my heart faithfully upon him about my biggest worries about having another baby.
Telling family and friends where we are going with the disclaimer of "well, we do not know yet for sure because medically they have to clear us and we already know they don't have what we need to have another baby" rings a few alarms in other peoples thoughts. And I've had to bare witness to whatever they feel like saying after they hear what I've had to say, I've heard things like "Are you crazy?", "25% risk of possibly loosing my life is too much", "why aren't you just grateful for the two you already have", "You know God is not going to come down change your body's abilities", "and "you realize you could die, right?"... and sadly these are just a few of knee jerk reactions that I hear. Some have brought me to tears and others I smile and say thank you for your opinion, then later allow them to frustrate me. My irrational voice (you know you have one) wants to scream at them and point out all of their flaws or simply just scream "You realize I am a human, right? I can die at any moment not just during pregnancy" and then seriously scream even louder before possibly slamming the door "I DO have emotions" but normally the response is silent or a smile and change the topic move.
Obviously, logically I get there is a 25% risk, but there is a 75% risk of nothing going wrong. Maybe it's me, maybe I have too much faith that God will cover me or maybe the glass is just way to far over the half full for me to kiss my pregnancy days goodbye. That urn and desire for a baby that goes away after a woman knows that she is done hasn't happened to me sister friends and until it is said to me "no more babies for you Ms. Jusika" I am going to risk it and I am going to have faith that even if we try and we lose again, he will cover us in all of it because I am after God's heart in a fierce fierce way and I believe that he has more than enough room to work here. Until we can try again, I am going to stay far far far away from the irrational thoughts and words in my head that just feeds this discouragement and defeated feeling and I am going to be intentional in my replies because, well, even though they are your two and five cent thoughts they really are only your opinions and they are damaging this woman's dream of having another baby.