Last year’s estimated due date was so much fun. I was at the beach and literally did not have a care in the world. Especially since I hadn’t been on work email those two days I took off to run away to the beach to be alone after my crazy season of 8 large events at work within 6 weeks. At that time I was overflowing with hope and comfort that this would be the first and only year that I wouldn’t be pregnant or not moving on. I clung to that idea like a warm blanket on a cold winter day. I definitely thought redemption and moving forward with another pregnancy would have definitely happened already or at least by today.
Obviously, I was wrong.
I wouldn’t have imagined in 100 years that I would be where I am today with no pregnancy and having difficulties getting pregnant. Does it make me question or doubt the desire God has given me to have another child? Heck yeah, but it does not stop me from holding faith in him and what he can do. Do I ever wonder if his plan of how I have another child looks different than mine? Yes and I think questioning or having a doubt that his plan is different or not what I thought it would be is okay. If there wasn’t moments that I didn't wrestle with his will for my life I don’t think I would grow in my faith and I surely wouldn’t learn to lean on him even more.
Do I wish things weren’t like this on the 2nd anniversary of Samson’s due date? Yes, but he has taken me on such a journey during these months that I know that he knows the aches of my heart and I have witnessed how he’s providing me the sweetest reminders that he is faithful with this desire he has given to me. He didn’t exactly promise me another baby or that I would hold another pregnancy within me with this desire or journey of loss, but he promised me that he would bring me closer to him and that is what he’s doing. Day by day, ache by ache, laugh by laugh, prayer by prayer and ugly cry by ugly cry it is him teaching me and me learning to live with him and surrender all of it to him in the darkest and most uncomfortable seasons of life.
This year is different, and that's okay because on this detour he's drawing me in closer and closer to him as cling with a messy heart full of emotions.
Letter to Samson:
Samson, When I found out that you were there with me I was elated and scared, I am sure you could feel it. We already knew who you were, but being a Mom who had already lost two at the time I was highly worried that our time would be brief, it was like I knew you weren't here to stay. What I didn’t know was that when I walked in to the ER on September 09, 2013 it would be our last few hours that I carried you. You felt my heart break and you heard the prayers of my heart that night. You know that as much as I love you and miss every moment that I imagined that we would have you did serve your purpose of bringing me closer to Christ. The loss of you as a baby within me was the moment that wrecked and changed everything in my heart. God knew that I would have done anything I could have save you so he put you in a place where I had no choice and he placed you in a place that forever changed me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Love You, Momma.