Friends & Family Resources
For many women & families who were pregnant, their hopes and dreams are torn apart by the news that the pregnancy has ended, but not much seems to change for everyone around them. Unfortunately, something very sad and life-changing has happened that needs to be acknowledged. Their Baby, their hopes & dreams for their family, and their baby have ended, and sometimes friends and family without knowing hurt those who've lost and sadly leave an impacting memory of their loss. My hope is that you find resources and understanding of what your sweet friend or family member is going through. Here is some information about what they are going through during this heartbreaking time.
Types of Pregnancy Losses:
A threatened miscarriage means you have symptoms of a miscarriage, such as bleeding and/or cramping, but no miscarriage has occurred, and your cervix is closed. This does not mean you will definitely lose the baby, as half of all women who have these symptoms go on to deliver full-term babies.
An inevitable miscarriage means you have symptoms such as bleeding and cramping, but you may also pass some tissue. An examination shows that your cervix is open, and this indicates that you will probably miscarry.
An incomplete miscarriage may occur if you experience severe cramping and bleeding. This suggests that there could be small parts of the placenta and/or baby still in your uterus. You may require hospitalization and a D & C (dilation and curettage) if this happens. During a D & C, the doctor will dilate your cervix and remove the tissue, baby, and blood lining your uterus. This procedure will either be done in a hospital under general anesthesia or in your doctor's office with local anesthesia.
A missed miscarriage is the discovery through ultrasound that your baby has died, but you have no symptoms of a miscarriage. You may eventually miscarry on your own, require a D & C, or be given a prescription that will cause you to miscarry. You may also be sent home to wait for a natural miscarriage with no intervention.
A complete/natural miscarriage is when all the products of conception are naturally expelled from the body. This usually occurs before 12 weeks gestation.
A blighted ovum is a common cause of early pregnancy loss. This means a placenta developed and produced the pregnancy hormones, but due to an abnormality with the fertilized egg, the fetus did not develop or failed earlier than the first six weeks. On ultrasound, there is only evidence of a gestational sac. Your body may have reabsorbed the baby early in pregnancy. If a natural miscarriage does not happen, you may need a D & C or other medical treatment.
An ectopic or tubal pregnancy occurs when, instead of attaching to your uterus, the fertilized egg attaches itself to a fallopian tube or some other place inside your abdomen. Usually, the first sign of an ectopic pregnancy is severe pain in the abdomen, with or without bleeding. If you have an ectopic or tubal pregnancy, your doctor may give you a drug called Methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy. However, you may require surgery.
A chemical pregnancy is another special type of early pregnancy loss. Sometimes, because of infertility issues, a woman is closely monitored from the time of ovulation. HcG levels may rise, indicating conception has occurred and then drop off, meaning the pregnancy was not viable. This may all happen before a menstrual period is even missed.
Questions about Grief:
It’s been a couple of months. Why aren’t my friends over the loss of their pregnancy?
The loss of a baby is very sad, worrisome, and life changing. Some say that the intense grieving can take up to 24 months, but not all of those months will be spent in deep sadness. The best thing for you to do is allow them to grief & walk that path with them as much as they will allow you to.
Nine Ways to Support the Person in Your Life Who Has just Lost a Baby:
Acknowledge their loss, right away. You may be scared you’ll say something stupid,’ but the worst thing you can say is nothing at all or act like it is not that big of a deal.
Don’t say, “let me know if I can help.” They are not in a place where they can give direction right now. Offer an idea instead. Say, “I am going to bring you dinner Thursday night,” and just do it sometimes just doing it allows them to allow others to help them.
Be cautious with what you say, many pregnancy losses are not because of any reason and sometimes the reasons are unknown until after more tests are done. Instead of saying "there's always next time" be supportive and life-giving let them know that God is there to heal the emotional pain and struggle they are going through.
Give or send a card.
Give or send them a care package. Include some junk food, a couple of light-hearted movies, and maybe even a bottle of wine.
If you’re close, ask if you can come over and just “be” with them sometimes just being there is the best thing you can do.
When you see them, don’t be afraid to speak their child’s name. Saying you’ve been thinking about their baby means more than you’ll ever know it allows them to feel that their loss isn't hidden and their baby meant something.
Keep texting, calling, emailing and Facebooking to let them know you are thinking about them, even after it’s been a few weeks or months. Even when they appear to be over it or back to their old self, they will still be hurting, and will still need to know people have not forgotten about their baby.
Try to remember and acknowledge important dates, such as their due date, loss date, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
What Not To Say or Do:
The following links offer helpful advice on what to say, and perhaps more importantly, what NOT to say, to someone who has just experienced a loss.
It was God's will.
It was for the best.
It was meant to be.
Your baby is in a better place now.
Time heals all wounds.
God needed her more than we did.
At least you have other children.
You'll go on to have more children.
You’re young, you can have another one.
I know just how you feel.
It was only a miscarriage, you’ll get over it.
Not acknowledging the loss can be hurtful
Asking about how one partner is doing and not
the other can be hurtful.Allow each person to grieve in their own time. There are no competitions in grief, each person’s loss must be respected for the sense of loss and sadness it has for them.
Don’t try to rush the grief process. This only causes more pain and feelings of confusion, loneliness and inadequacy.
Gift Ideas Include:
If you are looking for the perfect gift to show you care, please check out the following places that sell beautiful custom memorial jewelry.
Candles
A gift certificate to the spa or their favorite restaurant
A donation made to a charity close to their heart, in honor of their baby/ies
A grove of trees planted in their baby/ies honor
Anything with their baby/ies name(s) on it!
Custom Jewelry with their baby's name, or heaven date on it.
